How to Handle Challenging Family Relationships During the Holidays

If you dread the holidays because of complicated family relationships, you’re not alone. Recent polling show that 89% of adults in the U.S. find the holidays stressful, citing family relationships — or anticipated family conflict — as one of the top 10 reasons.

The holiday season can be emotionally challenging, especially when facing strained family relationships. This time of year often brings an expectation of “togetherness,” which can exacerbate existing tensions or bring up painful memories. For some, being around family members can trigger stress, while others choose to spend the holidays alone because of fractured relationships.

There are coping mechanisms you can adopt to get through it, though, so find your mix of strategies for less stress during the holiday season.

Why the Holidays Make it Harder

The holidays can be a roller coaster of emotions, bringing up memories that might make you sad while simultaneously compelling you to appear happy.

“Everyone has memories about the holiday season, some good and some bad,” says Katie C. Durden, DNP, PMHNP-BC, a board-certified, fellowship-trained psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner at Beaufort Memorial Sea Island Psychiatry. “For some of us, those memories are especially painful, or maybe even unpleasant, making the holidays that much harder.”

Family members have individual personalities and ideals, so disagreements are inevitable. But if those disagreements or opposing points of view are unresolved, you may dread seeing someone and revisiting past conflicts.

“Families disagree. It’s natural,” Durden says. “But if those broken bridges can’t mend, the lingering conflict can make the situation very uncomfortable at the next holiday gathering.”

Understanding the reasons behind holiday family difficulties can help you feel validated — you are not alone and can still enjoy the season.

Read More: 8 Ways to Handle Social Pressure During the Holidays

Pressure for Togetherness

The holiday season is often portrayed as a time for family unity and joy. These expectations can create immense pressure, especially in families with unresolved conflicts. Holiday stress can also intensify feelings of loneliness.

If you already deal with a mental health issue such as depression or anxiety, your symptoms may be magnified during the holidays, making you feel disconnected from family traditions or lacking support from family members.

Studies have documented reasons for dreading the holiday season, all pointing back to strained family relationships, including:

• Financial stress:  Financial strain is another contributor to holiday stress. Increased expenses for gifts, travel and gatherings — and the expectation that you will pay for it all with a jolly heart — can lead to frustration and tension among family members. If you have a mental health disorder, the added financial strain and stress can amplify existing relationship challenges and exacerbate your symptoms.
• Resurfacing unresolved family tensions: Family gatherings can bring up old disagreements or unresolved issues. Such unresolved conflicts can lead to heightened emotions, making minor disagreements escalate quickly during the holidays. Painful or frustrating memories of past events can resurface, making it difficult to enjoy and participate in the present.

Dealing With Difficult Relatives Over the Holidays

Whether your family is full of aunts asking questions about your financial status, a grandparent wondering when you’ll get married, or a cousin who notices you’ve put on a few pounds, staying grounded and finding joy can become challenging during holiday gatherings.

“I think all of us have that one person in our family who relentlessly finds something wrong with us or our lifestyle,” Durden says. “We either learn how to cope or we avoid family gatherings. If there’s any way to make amends, I recommend my patients try, but sometimes, you just have to find a reasonable accommodation for yourself.”

Here are some coping strategies to help you navigate complex family situations this holiday season:

• Manage your expectations: Setting clear boundaries is essential for managing time and interactions with difficult family members. This could mean limiting the duration of your visit or deciding to skip certain family events. Prioritize mental health by focusing on what’s manageable. Realistic expectations for yourself and your family also help prevent disappointment when family gatherings don’t go as planned.
• Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing or grounding exercises, can help manage stress in the moment. Try making yourself an outside observer without preconceived notions—observing situations and listening to conversations without getting emotionally entangled. This approach can be particularly effective with family members who tend to push boundaries or engage in conflict.
• Seek support outside of family: Maintaining connections with friends or other support networks outside the family can provide an emotional outlet. Many people turn to close friends or support groups where they feel understood and valued. Seeking support from a mental health professional can also provide a safe space to express and manage difficult emotions triggered by family interactions.
• Focus on self-care: Self-care is especially crucial during the holiday season. Though it’s the season of giving, giving yourself some grace and acknowledging your own needs matters, too. Self-care could involve engaging in hobbies, exercise, yoga or other activities that bring joy and relaxation. Set aside time for yourself as a way to unwind and recharge. Plan ahead with your therapist if you deal with mental health issues — some time to vent and review coping techniques can be helpful. Handling family gatherings can be easier once you’ve had time to decompress.
• Know when to leave or take a break: During family gatherings, stepping away momentarily can help diffuse personal stress and prevent escalation during tense moments. If you need a breather amid a family gathering, take a walk — even brief physical activity can help alleviate stress and improve your mood. This simple break is beneficial if you’re feeling overwhelmed by the stress and strain of family dynamics.

Read More: Holiday Travel Tips for the Whole Family

Spending the Holidays Alone: Coping with Loneliness

Loneliness can quickly become overwhelming if you spend the holidays away from family due to strained relationships. You can take steps to mitigate feelings of loneliness with some planning.

• Reframe the holiday narrative: Instead of focusing on what you’re missing, consider creating a holiday routine that brings you personal joy. Engaging in meaningful activities, volunteering or spending time with pets can make the season fulfilling and provide comfort. Create new traditions for yourself to reduce your feelings of isolation.
• Stay connected digitally: Virtual gatherings or phone calls with friends and loved ones can help alleviate loneliness. Even if you can’t be physically present, staying connected with a support network — family or otherwise — can provide emotional relief. Scheduling these calls in advance can create something to look forward to.
• Seek out community and shared experiences: Participating in community events or volunteering can foster a sense of belonging. Helping others is also a great way to boost your mood and reduce feelings of loneliness. Engaging in activities such as volunteering at a homeless shelter or animal rescue benefits your community, shifting your focus from isolation to purpose.

Holidays can be tough for anyone navigating complicated relationships or dealing with family members who trigger stress. If you deal with mental health issues as well, it can be even more challenging.

“If you’re spending the holidays alone, or find the holiday season challenging, seeking purpose through your community and creating moments of personal joy can make the season a time for self-care and growth rather than isolation,” Durden says.

Remember, the holidays don’t fit anyone’s idea of perfection. The reality of everyone’s holiday gatherings is always full of the unexpected, and conflict can arise even in the happiest of families.

Honor yourself, find your personal source of light and keep it glowing, no matter what circumstances you encounter this holiday season.

Learn three more tips for happier holidays from the experts at Beaufort Memorial.